Returning to my first love

As I rocked back and forth on my bed holding my newborn son, I gazed into his eyes. Pure innocence stared back at me. Slowly his eyelids began to close as he tried to fight to keep them open, but in the end he lost the battle. I was curious as to what might have been going through his mind as he stared back at me. What could possibly be inside the mind of an infant who has not even learned how to speak?  As he slept in my arms tears ran down my cheeks, but before they were able to fall upon him, I quickly wiped them away. My heart felt so much sorrow that the aching seemed to flow throughout my entire body and soul.  My decisions driven by desire over genuine affection have now ensnared both me and my son..

 I now have a soul that I am responsible for, a living being who relies on everything I do.

I felt conviction throughout my entire pregnancy. I knew my actions were not pleasing to the Lord, but I yearned so much for love that when I got pregnant, I believed in my heart I was going to have a family. Deep down inside I knew the truth. I knew family and love start with a relationship with God. He is the foundation of all things, He is Love. Foolishly, I believed I could obtain these things on my own timing, in my own way, and still claim to love the Lord. When my son was around 3 months old, I could feel the Holy Spirit tugging on my heart. In fear of what might happen, I ignored each nudge. As time went on things in my life began to become darker which led me to confusion. My relationship with my son’s father was dead and neither one of us was mature enough to speak to one another. Unresolved traumas, external opinions, and other factors turned us from lovers to enemies within four months of my son's birth. Darkness won again, and now a child who should have grown up witnessing the love between their parents will instead grow up seeing the consequences of a broken home built on an unstable foundation. When we separated, I cried and cried and cried for what felt like eternity...One of my worst fears has now sprouted to life.

I felt like a complete failure. I have become exactly who I swore I would never be, a single mom with no solid foundation to raise my child. The pain of knowing the struggles my child will face, growing up with a single mother, is overwhelming. The financial burdens that seem to drag us down, making every day a battle. In school, my child will see other kids with things they wouldn't dare ask me for because they already know the answer would be no. Not because I don't want to give them everything, but because the little money I have goes to the essentials like food, housing, bills. The weight of this reality is crushing, and the guilt of not being able to provide more is a constant ache in my heart. Sadly, here I am walking down the same path of the previous generation before me. Lost and confused, darkness clouding my mind to the point I had no joy left within my heart. I tried to smile and obtain a loving attitude toward my son but inside my mind was full of terrorist thoughts that submerged me into a prison of depression. Worries ran through my head 24/7 and on top of that I gained so much weight I was disgusted to even look at myself anymore. The devil was having a blast playing with my emotions like a baseball pitcher's eagerness to pitch in a game, and I felt defeated in every direction I ran on the field. I was fully convinced I was not a good mother to my son and that somehow, I was disappointing him already at such a young age.

In my surprise the Lord used my son to bring me back into his loving grace. As he grew, I could see the light of God's love in his eyes. Witnessing a baby grow must be one of the most humbling things to see. The way he looked at me with tender love and sought after me for comforting hugs. He broke down pieces of the brick wall around my heart. Each brick that was chipped away allowed more space for the Lord to speak to me without me turning away. I thanked him every time I looked into the eyes of my son. When he began to reach steppingstones in life, I began to understand that as I look at my son, God looks at me as his daughter. His love is unconditional and no words, analogies, or even parables can truly grasp the concept of the way God loves his children. I began to have the desire to read my bible and pray over my son. I knew that for generational curses to be broken, I had to start making a change in how I treated my relationship with Christ. It wasn't religion that was holding me above the water, it was the fight within me to look at The Son that kept me afloat. I could have given up and allowed myself to sink into the depths of the dark sea, to watch the light of The Son slowly fade away.

Thankfully, the more I looked at The Sons beaming light, the more curious I became and the warmer I felt. I knew I had to keep kicking to know how to be a godly mother that my son will be able to get learn from. I wanted my son to grow up differently than I did. I was not taught about the Lord, generational curses, spiritual warfare or even repentance growing up. Jesus came to me his self and introduced me to a different way of life. Even after having visions of the Kingdom of God and supernatural experiences, I still fell into sexual sin and ended up pregnant. My impatience for a relationship had me compromising on my morals and God's commandments. When I finally decided to sit down in silence while fasting and praying, I sought Jesus with true repentance. I was ready to give up everything to know how to properly pray over my son and fight for him spiritually. I didn't love myself enough to do it, but when it came to an innocent child that grew in my womb, I was ready to whole hearty commit to the Lord. I was ready to be mocked, laughed at, and judged by the world. I was ready to lose whoever wanted to walk away because of my walk with Jesus. I didn't care anymore what people would say, I knew Christ was real. I knew he was calling me out of darkness and back into his marvelous light. I spent many nights crying and asking him to speak to me again. Night after night, I heard nothing. Dreams and visions ceased, but my determination for him to hear me grew more and more. Like Hannah crying out to the Lord on her knees for a child, I cried out for the Lord to take me back and wash me clean from the sins I had so eagerly left him for.

Then one night it happened, I had been fasting, and a vision came over me. I was in my bedroom, and I opened my doors that lead into to the hallway and down the stairs. I could see police outside of the house through the windows. They were rushing in like a mighty wind, ready to take me captive. I knew I was innocent and had done nothing illegal. As I began to walk down the stairs at least 20 Swat officers broke down the front door ready to devour me. Suddenly a hand appeared on my left shoulder. I could feel the warm embrace of their arm pulling me closer to them. I looked to my right and seen a man walking down the stairs with me. I looked down at his feet, our steps were in one accord as we walked toward the ambush waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs. My eyes slowly wandered up his body as I felt his grip become more intense the closer we got to the bottom of the stairs. Once his chest area came into view, his right hand lifted to where I could see so clearly how it was wrapped in a white cloth. Blood began to seep through and drip down his arm. The cloth fell and there was a hole punctured through his flesh. My heart was beating so fast my mind, did not comprehend nor relate what I have seen to the nails that were brutally hammered into Jesus's flesh. In this moment, it still did not occur to me it was Christ holding on to me, walking with me down the stairs, ready to face my accusers. As I went to look at his face, the vision ended. I was back in my room in complete silence. My mind in shock over what I had just experienced but as quickly as the vision started it ended, and the revelation of that vision was given to me.

It was in that moment, that nothing and no one could convince me that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was a myth. I didn't care who didn't believe me, I knew what I saw, and I knew he was answering my cry of repentance. Many may read this and not believe a word I say, others might read this with tears running down their face. At the end of the day, this blog is to share my testimony of what the Holy Spirit guides me to share. I am usually a very private person, and I don't speak much, but I know that someone will be blessed by what I share out of obedience to the Holy Spirit. If you don't know Jesus, I would highly recommend you give him a try. What do you truly have to lose? My suggestion to anyone who is curious as to if Jesus Christ is real, is too fast for 3 days. (I am not a doctor so if you have any health problems, please do not take this as medical advice).

If you are a beginner at fasting, try to refrain from eating food for 4-8 hours out of your day. During those 4-8 hours read scripture and speak to God. Ask him to reveal himself to you. Those who go into a fast with pure intentions, seeking truth, will not be disappointed. I end this blog with a few scriptures that helped me during my season of truly wanting to know if Jesus Christ was real. These scriptures were seeds planted into my heart that now have grown and blossomed in my life.

  Isaiah 43:1-2

But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

Psalm 13 (all 6 verses)

 How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?

How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me? Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death; Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved. But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

Proverbs 3:25-26

Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the Lord shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.